What Is Your TRT?

How would we live our lives differently if we were assigned a specific TRT? 

TRT in this case stands for Total Running Time. You get 6 years.  You get 99 years.  You get 65 years. 

We all know we have a TRT in this life. We just don’t know the specifics. We don’t get a cosmic download on Day One notifying us of how much time is remaining.

TV TRT

In my work as a non-fiction television producer and writer, when I’m assigned a story, I’m usually assigned an approximate TRT.  In other words, here’s the amount of broadcast time allotted to tell this story. As we arrange interviews and think about video elements we need to best tell the story, we’re also mindful of our TRT.  Knowing the TRT informs our choices, how much filming we do, how many voices we can hear from (interviews) and, often, how much depth the story will have. A short story told well will still have depth. It’s just more challenging. Remember the quote by Mark Twain? “I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”

Back to TRT and this life: Using mini-documentary storytelling as a template, how can we live our lives with intentionality to maximize the stories we live while we’re here?

• What are the essentials? What are the essential elements you want to make sure your life, short or long, includes? Family time? Nature immersion daily? Be a good friend? A good stranger? Achieve certain professional accomplishments? Have quiet time? Travel the world? Be of service? How do you want to show up in the world daily — with love, kindness, courage, character, compassion, patience, grit? Make a list and prioritize these daily.

• What are the non-essentials? Make a list of the things you’d like to do and the person you’d like to be. These activities and traits are just one layer out from your core. You’d love to do these things and be these things and will get to them immediately, messily, scared. You’ll get yourself out there into the world because this life is yours. Your time is now.

• What can be learned? In this story that is your life, what tension, what lessons, what  challenges do you want to confront? What hills do you want to climb? What pain will you walk toward in the name of growth? Who will you become in the process and why is that important to you? It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else.

• How can you allow for surprise and magic? Plans are good and grounding and give us direction. But can you allow for the universe to add its magic? Can you dance when fantastical miracle dust rains down on you and also when it doesn’t?

• Can you live your life as a call to action? What traits can you leave the people who interact with you in this life? What example of humanity can you be? What kind of inspiration? What nugget of insight or nuance of behavior can you live that leaves the world a little better, today, and for all of the tomorrows until your TRT is known?

As in television, I suspect most people will ask for more time. There’s more to tell. More to see. More to experience. Sometimes, we get more time. Sometimes, we don’t get the chance to ask for more time because our story is cut short or removed from the rundown altogether. 

Even when we are walking through uncertainty, let’s remember this too is part of our life story. Let’s make death a motivator to keep us moving toward living in alignment with our values.

There’s no script for life any more than there’s a known TRT. We’re figuring it all out as we go. We’re writing it with each choice, and we’re hoping it stays good. Can we live in such a way that we will feel our TRT was just right?

In the words of Hunter S. Thompson: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

When Goals, Grief and Gratitude Collide

Stories of marathon runners, triathletes and endurance athletes of all kinds fascinate me. Add extreme mountain climbers to the list too. I vanish when reading and watching stories like Touching the Void, The Alpinist and 14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible. I’m sucked right into the screen or page, and I disappear. Weird, though, because I don’t aspire to scale frozen mountains in wicked conditions like the icons of the extremes.  But, I’ve always wanted to do a marathon. 

(Insert needle scratch across vinyl transition to less exciting mind music). 

I was riding my elliptical machine one dark morning … when I had an idea flash through my mind. 

Even though I love exercise and will practice martial arts in some way for the rest of my life, my 2023 intention for exercise has seen a reframe: My focus is to move my energy and move my mood by moving my body. In this way, I’ve created space for new ideas to sprout where in the past they may have been crowded out by a feeling of lack, self-loathing and not-enoughness until a certain amount of minutes, miles or mountains were clocked. That sucks the enjoyment right out of the process for me. That approach was a tired old story, and it was time to change it. 

Presently I’m doing what I can with what I have because an ankle and achilles injury combined with similarly precarious knees means running a marathon right now doesn’t feel like the right move. But the flash I mentioned was this: I don’t have to accept that ‘I can’t do a marathon.’ Why not challenge myself to a marathon on the elliptical? Start there. It’s not sexy, but who cares?

I decided I would do it. It would be a solitary event. It would lack the sweaty, salty energy of the collective, the mass of humanity moving as one, the cheers, the music, the water stations and the cool outfits. But it would still be a formidable goal for me. Silently self-motivated.  Something to work toward. Who could I become in the process? How could a goal like this shape my future? 

I put podcasts in my ears and got to work: Ed Mylett, Rich Roll, Ologies, Mobituaries, Across the Dinerverse, Andrew Huberman. I put books in my ears: The Power of One More, The Wealthy Gardener,  The Mountain is You, How The Word Is Passed, Braiding Sweetgrass, Why Didn’t You Tell Me?, The Untethered Soul, More Than Enough, The Tools, Unreasonable Hospitality, Emotion by Design, Forest Bathing.

I read in an article by the Mental Health Commission of Canada that “goal setting is an expression of hope, and fostering optimism for the long term may help you get through some current challenges.” 

I had no idea. 

I already felt I had a lot to think about. My job of many years was ending, and as I looked out from the elliptical into the darkness of that pre-dawn morning, I was looking into the darkness of my imminent unknown professional future. My friend Alie taught me that her friend Cole taught her about anticipatory grief. I think I was experiencing that with respect to my imminent job loss, and I needed to do something with myself to feel it all. The marathon would be my anticipatory grief therapy, I guess. It would be my off-ramp from this career and my on-ramp to my future self.

Training and Mental Blocks

I found a marathon training schedule online and pretended the recommended running miles were meant for me on the elliptical. Week after week I logged more miles, and while it was easier on my body than running would have been, it was a physical challenge and a mental one too. Psychologically, moving in one place for so long, and yet not moving through space, was a peculiar kind of mental challenge. I picked a Marathon Day date. It was to be February 4, 2023— the day after my work would end.

On Christmas Day of 2022, I did my longest ‘run’ on the elliptical — 18 miles. Talking with people who have run marathons, I was told that if you can do 18, you can do 26.2 miles. 

On January 2, 2023, my resolve was shaken when our family’s hearts were shattered. We had a death in our family, and the loss of our loved one was sudden and devastating. I knew I should keep training, but it all derailed me. My mileage and focus faltered, and my tight adherence to the training schedule was broken. ‘Did it even matter now? What’s the point?’ 

After about a week of this thinking, I decided I needed to use my grief to continue rather than stopping short of my goal. I was so close. I needed to get to the finish line. Really, I needed to get to the starting line. Grief can be so paralyzing. With uncertainty around the timing of our loved one’s funeral, I knew if I was going to do the marathon, I’d need to move it up. (There are benefits to a marathon of one. The race day can change on a dime). I knew that I needed to do this marathon and meet this goal now more than ever. 

Setting a goal that’s out of our comfort zone does give us hope. It gives us structure. It reminds us we can still fight.  In fact, the act of goal-setting demands hope from us, and it requires discipline. And when we commit to it, the goal gives us safe harbor.  The discipline brings a kind of freedom. 

Marathon Day

On the morning of January 15, 2023, I went outside into the garage and started. If you know me, you know I love dates and markers and time stamps.  As I got on the elliptical, it occurred to me that 30 years to the day prior, on January 15, 1993, I waved goodbye to my family as I boarded a plane in ice cold Minnesota and flew to Hong Kong where I would live for the next six years. That was a flight into the unknown just as this was to be a ride into the unknown. Glennon Doyle’s voice floated through my mind: “We can do hard things.” We, because it’s always some kind of we. Not I. My family has been encouraging me on the road to this goal and every other goal I’ve ever held.

So on this date 30 years later, I felt even more reflective. I put a story in my ears to accompany me on my long garage ride. As I set out on my journey into the unknown, I listened to a book called Girl In Translation, by Jean Kwok. It is a story about another kind of journey into the unknown. About pain and grief and change and poverty and challenge and cultural differences and loss and determination and uncertainty and grit and friendship and triumph and overcoming and grace and the kindness of strangers.

I pushed play, and I let my body and the story take me away, step by step by step. Over the course of the next 26.2 miles, I traveled to Hong Kong and Brooklyn, through childhood and adolescence, through pain and grief and back again.  I smiled and waved when Eric served as my one in-person cheering section, water re-filler and snack deliverer. I crossed my invisible finish line in 4 hours and 10 minutes. I stepped off. It was done. This was not easy for me. I could barely walk for the next two days. But I did it. We did it.

Now What

I don’t study grief. I’m not an expert on it. But I’ve learned there are stories inside of grief. Stories of love and longing, stories of celebration and appreciation, stories of guilt and regret. No one can ever tell me story isn’t powerful. 

Similarly, no one can tell me that goals aren’t powerful. The goals we set or do not set… they write our stories and shape our futures. Goals can even help us through the toughest chapters of our life stories. 

I think stories are even more powerful than we give them credit for. Imagine if companies, organizations, teams and families could harness the power of each person’s story the way turbines harness the power of water. We could light up faces with love and light up the world in a whole new way. If only…

When goals, grief and gratitude collide, maybe we can transmute our pain into energy. Maybe we can lay a few more railroad tracks to our unknown futures. Maybe we can believe that we are capable and we are strong and that together we can rise.

Story and How it Creates Culture and Connection

Too many of us have listened to eulogies. In no instances do we ever hear this:

• When I spent time with S, I knew I’d need to have my walls up, fists too.

• S was cold and mean and unforgiving.

• S loved to make others feel irrelevant.

• S despised kindness of any form and endeavored to live a life that made others feel unseen.

• S thought only about S.

• S never tried to communicate with people who didn’t look and sound like S.

• S was proud of knowing not a grain of detail about anyone else’s life and family and was not about to waste energy in that effort.

No eulogies ever mention these ways of being in the world. Eulogies celebrate the human story. They share ways in which the departed connected to and meant something to the speaker.  In the example of S, these are clearly not celebrated human behaviors. Yet too many of us participate in, perpetuate and protect these ways of being in an organization, on a team or in life.  Why?

Because we lack trust. 

Because we’re scared. 

Because we don’t know ourselves.

It seems a little old school Cobra Kai. (Remember? Karate Kid? Strike first. No mercy). That way is not the way, my friend. The Johnny Lawrence and Daniel LaRusso version of Cobra Kai meets Miyagi-do will win in the end every time.

Be the brave one.

Be like water.

Find ways to see each other.

Find ways to be genuinely, kindly curious. 

In organizations and teams, it’s common to see an “About” tab or “Our Story” on a company’s website. Companies want to give the customer or consumer a sense of who they are, what they’re about, possibly where they came from and what they aim to achieve or provide. 

In turn the company aims to understand the customer, anticipate their needs and position themselves for a long lasting relationship. It’s an exchange.

Do you think that same level of attention happens in most organizations internally? Whereby the organizations give the same attention to their employees — to aim to understand them, to anticipate their needs and work toward building a long and lasting relationship? Some do, for sure. But I am genuinely asking, is it common?

What if the same weight was given to the power of story internally as externally? What if an exchange of values and experiences could be playfully incorporated into workplace cultures to make employees feel seen, heard and valued for a long time to come? 

Nothing brings clarity like story. Nothing brings understanding like story. Nothing sparks the imagination like story. You can see it in your mind’s eye— that flash of light that illuminates the eyes and face of someone rapt by a story, connecting to it, being dazzled and energized by it.  Nothing connects and brings a feeling of oneness to a group or organization like story. Story connects in relationship with others and in relationship with oneself. 

The Flipside of Story

But story has a flip side, and I wonder if you see it in your organization or on your team.  

On the flip side of story is: Gossip. Judgement. Conflict. Assumption. Misunderstanding. 

Rather than connecting, it divides.

While gossip gives the illusion of connecting, it’s coupled with a cloud of mistrust that creeps into that falsely delicious space and a subconscious crevice forms. Connection formed through gossip is built on a faulty foundation. It’s temporary. It’s unstable. 

To gossip is to weaponize story. 

As leaders of our families, our companies, our organizations and our personal lives, how can we foster an environment that encourages — in a healthy, constructive way — connecting through story?

Where would you begin? 

What creative ways can you dream up that would be unique to you and your situation?

I can offer one starting place:  Ask a question. Then listen like you love each other. And listen like you care.

One day, we will find that we do love, and we do care, in spite of ourselves.

Lessons In Self-Expression

When it comes to fresh perspective, the new year feels like the sparking of kindling wood. Energy growing, crackling, moving, and shifting.

I think creative self-expression feels like that. Making this uninhibited photo felt like that. 

I hope the start of 2023 finds you with tangible reminders of the love in your life and acutely aware of the blessings that surround you, even in the face of extreme hardship and unbearable pain. 

Last time I wrote to you here (on the previous Another Door Opens web page) was 2020. I was excited. I’d created a podcast variation of the Another Door Opens space. I wanted it to last forever. But I chose to end it. Are you thinking, “Why is she advertising that? Why put your failures on blast?” Because. There’s no shame in trying. There’s no shame in falling short if you put in your all. 

To me, that interpretation of ‘failure’ is true only in the world of comparison and judgement. Even in a science lab, a failure is a finding. In the world of creative self-expression, it’s a step on the road each one of us builds, stone by stone. To be self-expressed is to live.

So back in 2020, I put my audible voice on ‘record’, along with the voices of my special guests. Using my physical voice was not a natural step for me. I’ve worked in broadcast television for my entire career, but not as a face you see or a voice you hear. 

On a shoe string, I started. Like many other people. As of January 2023, there are upwards of five million podcasts in existence. I never intended to stop despite the millions of choices listeners have. I love the knowledge and the self-expression so many skilled creators are displaying. Keep it coming! I celebrate you all. 

For me, I wanted my guest list to go on forever. To continue to shine a light on good people in the world.  But I did stop.

I will tell you that making it in the first place meant traveling about 100 miles outside of my comfort zone. And I was willing to make that trip. If you listened to any episodes, I suspect you sensed it through my delivery and shaky voice.

I’d decided to say what I needed to say.  And what I needed to say was: “I’d like you to hear the ideas from these people who are generously sharing their intellect, insights and wisdom. I’d like you to learn from them and see yourself in them.” 

I also was saying, “I’m going to stop hiding. I’m going to try this thing, despite my own insecurity and fear of judgement.” 

In a recent interview on We Can Do Hard Things, Tracee Ellis Ross, daughter of Diana Ross, said that when she was a little girl watching her mom on stage in a sparkly dress, she understood that Diana Ross was saying: “This is me.” She was not saying: “Look at me.” I couldn’t love this distinction more. Those words describe what I was trying to do in my non-sparkly way. Also, I do love sparkles.

Knowing When to Keep Going and Knowing When to Stop

In his book The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, author Michael A. Singer talks about the dog that runs for freedom which lives beyond the perimeter of the yard … only to be shocked when running into the invisible electric fencing. Freedom was on the other side of that invisible shock. What the brave dog understood was that feeling the discomfort of it, and withstanding it… would lead to freedom. 

In the example of my podcast, I was willing to walk or run or slog through the pain of leaving the perimeter of my comfort zone and make it past the shock of leaving the yard. 

You could use the example of a cold plunge or any other illustrations of moving directly  toward pain to relieve pain. We not only have to leave our comfort zone to create change — we need to march into the unknown.

I know that you, like me, have been that dog. We’ve been the dog that let the shock (or prospect of it) stop us and keep us in our place. And, we’ve been the brave dog that knows it’s going to hurt, but it’s worth it, and we do it anyway.

So, was the podcast worth it?  Yes, it was absolutely worth it. 

Did I gain my freedom? Somewhat. But not entirely. 

I expanded my boundaries through self-expression. And when you are more honestly self-expressed, that is a form of freedom. 

Silent Self-Expression

I’m accustomed to silent self-expression. When I move my body while doing martial arts, I feel silent self-expression. When I paint, I feel it. When I do photography, I feel it.  And when I write silently as I’ve done as a career for more than 25 years now, I feel silently self-expressed. Occasionally I write from my own voice, like I’m doing here, but mostly, I write words for other professionals to say out loud. My voice, when writing, is a voice in my own head or a channeling of someone else’s voice. 

Recording my voice on the podcast was not something I could do silently. I did it to the best of my ability at that time in my life. Listening back to my guests now still makes my heart sing. Listening to my own voice makes me cringe. I suspect most of us have that in common.

And that’s ok. Making the Another Door Opens weekly podcast while working full time and traveling proved to be more than I could do sustainably over the long run. So I decided to slow it down, then to stop altogether. I didn’t stop because I thought it wasn’t good enough. My guests were exceptional, engaging, entertaining and enlightening. And I know that with more practice I’d have become better at back and forth exchanges and offering some more of myself.  I stopped because I needed to take care of my health. And sometimes something has to give.

So did I fail? No? Yes? It doesn’t matter, because I’m proud of the guests I featured. And that is what it was about for me. And what did I get out of it? Service. Discomfort which led to growth. A new form of self-expression. And a new connection to some of you.

How Do You Feel Self-Expressed? 

What does self-expression look like for you?

I invite you to think about the ways you feel creatively self-expressed and how that makes a fresh vibration in the world. Is it a ripple of kindness, light, mood, brilliance, wanderlust? Is it a ray of something zany, funny, thoughtful, clear, stirred, or purely energizing to this wild world? 

What makes you feel alive? What actions open your internal doors to self-expression? 

If you read this far, we are on the same page, you and me. I want you to know that in this next phase of the Another Door Opens space — a written space for now — this will be an opening of internal doors, exploring the interior spaces we all share, and finding out what lies within each one of us by taking a journey inside ourselves.

Wade into your own means of creative self-expression with me. Let it heal you. Let it nurture your soul. Let it warm you like a bonfire. Let it be a salve for those around you. Just let it BE.